I WAS thrilled this week to receive a personally-addressed pre-election letter from William Hague and the Richmondshire Conservatives.

The four-page pamphlet included photos of the new Tory candidate Rishi Sunak, out and about in the constituency.

For those who didn't receive a copy, in no particular order he spoke to farmers, soldiers, children, pensioners, apprentices, NHS staff, sheep, signs and telephone cables. Looking again at the pictures, he might actually be about to bite through the telephone cable like Jaws in Moonraker – the caption isn't clear.

On the opposite page there was a residents' survey. I have to say I am very impressed with how quickly he appears to have tapped into the local psyche and got to the heart of the issues which matter. First question: "Are there any roads, pavements or street lights in need of repairing in your area? If yes, please let know me where." Second question: "Is dog mess a problem locally? If yes, please let know me where." That's not my literal this time. It does actually say "let know me where".

So anyway, I saw a big turd on our street last week and I'm going to tell him all about it to see what happens. Hopefully, he will pop round and pick it up while out canvassing.

I suppose he could pass on the information to the local council, although he might not get a thank you.

"Hi, it's Rishi here. I want to report a turd. Do you have a turd-reporting department?"

Another option would be to send out an assistant to clean up.

"Could you pick me up a copy of the Darlington & Stockton Times, a latte with two sugars and a poo outside number 22 please. Don't forget to wash your hands. In fact, I'll get the paper and the coffee myself. Buy a Daily Express if you can't find any gloves."

Anyhow, if he wins in May and is going to concentrate his efforts on street lights and dog poo, what are the parish, town, district and county councillors supposed to do with their time? Help shape national legislation?

I also got an email from Independent candidate and acclaimed goalkeeper Rob Scott, but I've heard nowt from the others, which is a shame as I'm a big floater.