THE district council is asking for £17 a year to empty the garden waste bin.

The district council can do one as far as I'm concerned.

We've got a stream running past the end of the garden and I reckon that if I dump grass cuttings in there at night, they'll be gone by the morning.

Alternatively, those men who come during the summer on flat-bed vans asking for scrap metal will take the garden rubbish as well if you ask nicely. At least, I think it's scrap metal they're shouting for. They're a bit indecipherable.

They could also be requesting Scatman records or maybe scraps of petals. Perhaps they're producing a really abstract piece of art for entry in the Turner Prize.

Anyway, I'm sure they would take away a few bags of grass and weeds, which they will dump beside a quiet country lane somewhere – if they don't need them for the aforementioned artwork.

Of course I won't actually flytip the garden waste. That would be wrong. But I still refuse to pay for the garden waste to be collected, mainly because I'm a bit tight.

Instead, I will be buying a pneumatic waste crusher which I will use to squash all household and garden rubbish, before dumping the lot in the grey bin. Or I might start a compost heap.

I remember when the bin men would come down the drive to collect the metal rubbish bin, heave it on to their backs and lump it into the back of the rubbish truck, at the same time as wiping snot from children's noses and giving suggestive winks to their mums. That was a proper service.

Then we went to a fortnightly collections and now we're having to pay for one of those two collections. Rubbish.

This is now what the council says on its website: "Your bin should be placed at the closest point to the edge of the nearest main highway, in such a position that it does not cause an obstruction. Bin handles should be facing towards the road."

Shall I stick it in the rubbish truck myself, follow behind to the landfill site, and then squash it down by repeatedly driving on top of it with the Fiesta? Is that what you want, cos that's what'll happen.