NEVER mind the Tour de France or the World Cup, the best action took place at the six-year-old’s school sports day this week. After a summer of sporting failure, you will be pleased to hear that British participants excelled, winning almost every race.

Flat race, egg and spoon, bean bag, fathers’ race... ooh, there’s a dad’s race? What a surprise.

I couldn’t possibly take part in these shorts, T-shirt and the most grippy trainers I could find. What do you mean you don’t have starting blocks?

I was happy with my second place. The winner had clearly been in training and I’m sure I saw running spikes fitted on to his brown brogues. People have reported feeling a post-Tour flatness. The cyclists have gone to France or hospital, the visitors have gone home or to hospital (if they were that bloke who nearly fell down the Buttertubs), the mobile phone TV cameras are making fuzzy images of someone else’s scenery and the graffiti on the roads... well that’s still there. “EPO bah gum.” Very witty.

So what did the visitors think of our hospitality. Let’s return to a well-known online review site to find out.

“The staff were delightful – nothing was too much trouble and they were all a credit to the establishment.” Hmm, that’s not amusing at all.

“We didn’t expect much but were still very disappointed.”

That’s more like it.

“The service has always been notably frosty, but this weekend it was downright aggressive.” Eek.

By the way, did you hear about the pub on the Tour route which put its beer up by £1 a pint for the day? Visitors perhaps didn’t notice but the locals were apparently not amused.

On the subject of flatness, it’s just been pointed out that the ride through the Dales was classified as a flat day. Bit of a cheek really. We think those flat hills are quite hilly actually. After Yorkshire, the Tour went on to Cambridge. If you still want more entertainment after reading this week’s D&S from cover to cover, type Yorkshire v Cambridge into a well-known internet search engine to find out how the two areas welcomed the riders.

Yes, they have a worldrenowned university but did they have spectators in yellow morph suits? Non, ils ne le font pas, Vanessa.