Fending off enemies of Christmas (From Darlington and Stockton Times)

Fending off enemies of Christmas

11:33am Friday 18th December 2009

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EARLIER this year, I was in Poole, in Dorset, but never expected this coastal town to lead the way in revealing the stupidity of some of our health and safety regulations.

But Poole Town Centre Management Board is to be congratulated on revealing some rules in the form of its safe Christmas tree. I must admit I do not know whether it has truly been designed to show the absurdity of some regulations, or whether it is a genuine attempt to provide something that will not harm the public.

It looks like a giant traffic cone or upturned ice-cream cornet. It stands about 20ft high, but has no branches or trunk.

It iscovered with a green layer of material that looks like artificial grass secured upon a concealed metal framework, and it incorporates lights plus Christmas music.

It looks like something from a futuristic television programme or perhaps a wigwam, and is nothing at all like a tree, not even one that has been subjected to skilled topiary.

I’m told it looks nice in the darkness.

Apparently, it was designed to accommodate health and safety regulations because it has no trunk, no branches, no pine needles and nothing to steal or damage. The board claims it will not blow over to injure anyone, it has no branches to snap off and hurt people, no pine needles to get into anyone’s eyes, no lights to electrocute people, cats or squirrels, and no guy ropes for people to trip over.

Appropriately, they call it a cone tree, but it is not at all like a fir cone. It is simply a gigantic imitation traffic cone coloured green with not even an angel or star on top. However safe and bland it might be, however, it will surely tempt adventurous drunks to attempt to climb it – or they might even try to sleep inside.

I cannot imagine anyone making models of this curious object for use in the home. Most of us will settle for a conventionally-shaped Christmas tree, either in the form of real spruce or pine, or alternatively an artificial one with needles, branches and trunk. It seems, however, that lots of us injure ourselves at home when positioning our Christmas trees – we get poked in the eye with sharp needles or do something nasty to our backs while moving larger trees around.

I can’t see how the Poole tree or the health and safety regulations with prevent such injuries – people will always do daft things. Perhaps the only real safety measure is for our current authoritarian Government to entirely ban Christmas trees? IN THE past, there have been attempts to ban Christmas, and even today similar attempts continue to receive publicity.

In 1633, a Puritan lawyer called William Prynne produced a huge book that set out to prove the sinfulness of every kind of amusement, from stage plays to sports and pastimes. He claimed that all Christmas fun was a wicked survival from heathen times. His arguments led to him being locked in the stocks and having his ears cut off.

It was Oliver Cromwell who actually banned the celebrations of Christmas Day. His government said, “No observance shall be had of the fiveand- twentieth day of December, commonly called Christmas Day, nor any solemnity used or exercised in churches upon that day in respect thereof.”

It was also stipulated that shops should be open on December 25 and the churches should close because, in the minds of the Puritans, December 25 was an ordinary day.

However, the people thought otherwise and attacked any shop that opened on Christmas Day and in some parts of the country there were riots in the streets.

One of the most curious of the Puritans’ attempts to ban Christmas came in a leaflet written by a man called Hezekian Woodward in 1656.

Its title was Christmas Day, the old Heathens’ Feasting Day in honour to Saturn their Idol God, the Papists’ Massing Day, The Superstitious Man’s Idol Day, The Multitude’s Idle Day, Satan’s (That Adversary) Working Day, The True Christian Man’s Fasting Day, Taking to Heart the Heathenish Customs, Popish Superstitions, ranting fashions, fearful provocations, horrible abominations committed against the Lord and His Christ on that day and days following.

And that was merely the title!

However, with the end of Puritanism in the 1660s, the traditional Christmas festivities resumed, although they had in fact continued throughout the ban, albeit in secret.

When this happened, another long-titled booklet appeared.

Make Roome for Christmas or Remember Your Christmas Box, being a new book full of merry jestes, rare inventions, pretty conceits, Christmas carols, pleasant tales and witty verses by Laurence Price, 1657 who wishes well to all those that bear goodwill to roast beef, plum pottage, white loaves, strong beer, warm clothes, good fires and soft lodgen was its title. I am not sure what soft lodgen means unless it refers to a life of comfort.

It is interesting to see that, despite official attempts to ban Christmas, it has survived and expanded over the centuries. I am sure that, despite our current Puritanical Government with all its petty rules and regulations, and attempts by some factions to ban Christmas, this mighty Christian festival will survive.

Indeed, we shall continue to erect real Christmas trees with their prickly needles and dangerous lights. THE reference to plum pottage in that celebratory book mentioned above is probably similar to another ancient dish called plum porridge.

This comes from a 1695 book in which the author says that mince pies and plum porridge were the first among special Christmas treats. It seems that porridge was then a type of stew with oatmeal or some other cereal added.

Some time ago, I located a recipe for plum porridge in a collection of Yorkshire recipes written in 1764 by Elizabeth Moxon. I am not sure how many of us would wish to attempt it!

“Take two flanks of beef and 10 quarts of water, and let it boil over a slow fire until it be tender. When the broth is strong, strain it, wipe the pot and put back the broth. Slice in two penny loaves, cutting off tops and bottoms, cover it and let it stand for quarter of an hour, then put in four pounds of currants.

“Let them boil a little then put in two pounds of raisins and two pounds of prunes, then let them boil until they swell. Then put in quarter of an ounce of mace, a few cloves, beat fine and mix it will a little water and put into your pan. Also a pound of sugar, a little salt, a quart or better of claret and the juice of two or three lemons or verjuice.

Thicken with sago.”

Verjuice, by the way, is a sour juice obtained from either crab apples or unripe grapes.

In writing her recipe, Elizabeth Moxon does not state the number of people that could be fed from this mighty porridge, which is what we might consider to be a curious mixture of fruit and meat.

It does seem to be aimed at large families or groups of merry-makers, and I would image there would always be some left over for the following days.

It reminds me of one of the Christmas feasts enjoyed by Richard II. When Westminster Hall was enlarged, he organised a party for 10,000 guests over several days, when they fed upon 28 oxen, 300 sheep and an unknown number of game birds.

Sadly, I have no record of the number of drinks they consumed.

● Editor’s note: Poole’s infamous Cone tree was last week replaced by a more traditional real fir, after a sustained public campaign – and an attack of vandalism.

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